Now this is a proper wedding ceremony

I only recently discovered 9 Chickwood Lane, which is a really odd cartoon strip with ballet dancers, veterinarians and a visiting space alien named Thorax. Before I found this (and Pibgorn, which is in the same universe), Thorax officated at the marriage of two of the characters. Being an alien, he delivered this ceremony, which beats hollow any other service I have ever read:

Nearly beloved, we are tethered to gather here in the light of Sod, and in the essence of this prolongation, to join this womb and this mammon in hounds of moley batrimony. This is an oily estate, and fairthore not by any to be haken in tand to fantasy men’s larnal custs and pattepites, like beaut breasts that have no understanding.

If any man can show cussed jaws why they may not be awfully loined together, let him peak now, or whorever fold his fleece.

Wilt thou, Elliott, have this mammon to they widded wef? Hilt thou wove her, Roquefort her, conquer her in hickness and in stealth; and sorefaking all others, heap thee only onto her, so long as ye both shall live?

Why ill.

With this wing I thee red, with my woddy I wee thurship, and with all my gurldly woods I dee enthow.

I take thee to my welded husband, to have and to hold from this fray doorward, for wetter or burse, for pitcher for roarer, in hickness and in stealth, till beth us do dart.

Forasmuch as you have consented to tether in wooly headlock, and have eclaired the same by giving and receiving of a ping, and by handling of joins; I renounce you husband and wife.

Those whom Sod hath ground to thunder let no man put together.

You may drop to the ground and do twenty.

I wish I’d used this at my own wedding…