Kinds of drivers

“Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?” — Ellen DeGeneres.

As a motorcyclist, I am acutely aware of other road users, and some patterns crop up which I am certain are unique to Melbourne, of models driven by those who have no concern for other road users, and especially not those of a two-wheeled kind. So, after some 40 years’ experience, and still being alive, if battered, I give you here are the kinds of drivers to avoid.

OKBeamers

Drivers of any BMW vehicle. They must have a design flaw with rear view mirrors, because they cannot see me when I am traveling at speed down a street they are entering, or when they do a U-turn at random. Almost entirely male, and younger through to 50s.

Audiots

These drivers are in such a hurry that they almost never pass on the correct side, but would rather undertake you. Mostly older women.

Merkies

These drive black Mercedes sedans and coupes. Watch out even more for the coupes though. And if it’s a convertible, simply take the first available turnoff. It isn’t worth the risk. Either gender will happily run you down, just so long as they do not scratch the duco.

Jeepers Creepers

If ever there was so unnecessary a vehicle as the modern Jeep, I am unaware of it (we get very few Hummers here). Consequently, the drivers are just as unnecessary. However they exist, and feel as if they are in a cross between a demolition derby and a mountain off-road ride. Other things – cars, motorcycles, stop signs, and simply obstacles and beneath their notice. Twentysomething men and women.

Roverts

You know them. They live in the city but they drive Range and Land Rovers for no apparent reason. They don’t see anything else on the road because they have those bull bars that instantly vaporise anything organic. Driven by bankers and scions of old money, all ages.

Suvers

Roverts are a subset of SUV owners, but Suvers in general have a pathological phobia of parking in a parking spot, especially at school pickup. They are like Roverts but most of them are pretending to have money, when in fact they have novated leases. They love to just stop in the single lane because it suits them, and to hold traffic up for an hour or so. Often driven by younger parents and kite surfers.

Basically a “prestige car” is something that is well enough engineered to attract sociopaths to buy them to signal to all their status and entitlement. But I sure would like a BMW Motorcycle.

I know that these brands will not generalise. Only in Australia do they exist. Add yours to the comments.

Postscript

And the very next morning, I meet the kind I forgot to include:

VeeWeegers

I was going to call them Golfers, but there are more than just those driving Golfs. This morning’s example was indeed in a Golf but T-Roccers and Amarokers (named after WWF wrestlers, I expect) are much worse. Maybe that’s for another post. VeeWeegers are like extrasolar probes with 1970s processors that evolved into world killers for no apparent reason. As the movie said, “It appears to be a probe, Captain. From an intelligence unknown to us.” This kind of intelligence is very Special.