Last updated on 21 Jun 2018
Philosophy has always used metaphors of light and vision for wisdom and knowledge. A famous book, Rorty’s Philosophy and the Mirror of Nature (1979), discussed these visual metaphors in detail. We speak, rather too casually, of the Enlightenment, which in German is the Aufklärung, and in French the Lumières, both visual metaphors for light and vision.
But there is something wrong with these metaphors. We know most when we have not light alone, but dark, contrast that elicits the details of what is apprehended. We need not enlightenment, for there is light everywhere, but dark. We need an Endarkenment. And the dark that we need is dark chocolate. Light only matters as a way to illuminate the dark.
I wish to propose and develop a theory of the endarkened mind and enteric system. I call it Chocoholism, which is the view that the universe comprised four basic flavours (also called humours, elements or aspects) we name as sweet, sour, bitter and salty (do not believe heresies that suggest there is a fifth flavour, unami; this is the faux flavour of the deceiver). Chocolate, however, while it is made from these flavours, transcends its compositional elements and is greater than the sum of its flavours, hence the holism part of the name.
This looks like a religion, but of course it is not, for it is the Truth of the Universe. There is only one duty and one moral principle of Chocoholism: the duty is to eat as much good chocolate as is consistent with Endarkenment. The moral principle is to do nothing that can interfere with your own or others’ endarkenment. Taxing chocolate, for example, is an evil. Killing somebody is an evil, for it takes away from them the chance to enjoy more chocolate. And so on.
I wouldn’t mind if you sent me money (to buy chocolate) and/or chocolate itself, though, not because I am the Profit of Chocoholism, although I am, but because I really really like buying and eating chocolate.
There is evil in this universe, of course. Its name is Carob. And don’t get me started on White Chocolate, which is an abomination unto Xocolatl, the deity that gave chocolate to humanity. Chocologians are split on the merits of liqueur chocolates. Nuts should never be combined with chocolate any more than gold should be mixed with dirt. Coconut is a direct attempt to undermine endarkenment.
Now you can meditate, chant, dance or hop on alternate legs if you like, seeking endarkenment, so long as you eat the right amount of chocolate. Sex, unless it involves the use of chocolate, is up to you.
And there is no requirement or prohibition for belief in an afterlife in Chocoholism, so long as you understand that what counts is total enjoyment of chocolate in this life. An afterlife is probably a bad thing unless there is an afterchocolate, and even then it is probably more like the shades of Roman religion than a Christian heaven.
I hope that this message of the True Dark is received well and leads to world peace (I can supply an address to the Nobel Peace Prize Committee on request).