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A personal revelation

John, hear me.

What? Who said that?

It is I, God.

Oh come on. PZ, is that you? I’m not buying it.

It is I, God. Look, I’ll prove it. [Clouds in the sky form the letters “Yep, It’s Me” for a minute and then evaporate.]

Ummm, OK, for the sake of argument, let’s say it is You, and I’m not hallucinating. What do You want?

I want to tell you how you all must live your lives.

Why? Because You say so? Or because it will benefit us? I mean, you have a track record of delivering arbitrary rules for no apparent benefit to us, and plenty to those who say they represent You. Haven’t you ever heard of the Euthyphro Dilemma?

Don’t try to piss Me off. You lot do that anyway. And I didn’t tell anyone those rules. They made them up. That’s sort of what I want to talk to you about.

Go on…

Well, recently I noticed that a lot of your politicians and opinion makers have been saying that there should be religious freedom, and…

And you’re against that?

No, no, hear me out. They are saying that only believers appreciate freedom of belief and should have it. They are saying that the honest doubters and skeptics are a blight on free societies. They are against secularism, for My sake!

You aren’t? I mean, it seemed to me that You’d rather like that approach.

Why would I? Do you think so little of Me that you think I’d like coercion of faith, or that I must align with the powers that be (apart from Myself, that is)? I let you guys evolve into thinking beings that could make your own choices. I want you to make those choices. Secular society is the best invention you have yet developed. I’d hate to see that fall by the wayside because of populism and demagoguery.



Well, yeah, but surely You of all… ummm… entities would prefer to have those of faith in control of the executive and legislature?

Why? Mostly they are blinded by their own biases and prejudices. Some can’t even tell the difference between a country that has attacked them, and one that had nothing to do with it. If I had My way, I’d rather that you had an agnostic, or even an atheist, in charge. They have to think for themselves. And none of them will think they are getting magic telephone calls from Me.

So, which religion is right? I mean, here You are and all, so I have to ask…

None of them. Do you think that I’d tell people who think the world floats on a sea of water and is covered by a dome of brass the secrets to the universe? In fact, I generally don’t bother with human affairs, although of course I know about them. The nearest thinker to the truth of My existence and concerns was Epicurus. He thought that the gods were too distant from human affairs, and also saw that some randomness was involved in the way things got started, although he didn’t realise that randomness continues to be important.

So why do You come and talk to me now?

Because when it’s a matter of messing up a nation, or a society, that’s your business. But when you start to threaten the entire planet, one that I am particularly fond of (especially the beetles), you start to upset me.

Will you visit a plague or disaster on us if we do?

Hell, no. I won’t have to. You’ll make that happen just by doing what you are doing already. I don’t visit plagues or disasters. That’s just the ordinary outworking of the laws of physics. Anyway, I have some other things to watch, so I’m going to go now.

What do you want me to do with this message?

That’s up to you. Ciao.

Amen

18 Comments

  1. Other things to watch? His blog maybe or what? PZ, come out of those clouds!
    Anyway, that Epicurus guy seems to be appreciated, that’s a good point for Him.

  2. What, no fire and brimstone denunciations, no calls for sackcloth and ashes? What kind of lame-ass prophet are you? You’d think you’d at least burn an unbeliever or two just for appearances sake.

  3. Extend the Testaments! Let’s have a book of Wilkins! We shall hatch the Pentateuch and slip you in neatly between Numbers and Deuteronomy!

  4. It’s good to see that receiver I planted in your mastoid bone last time we met is working, but I have to tell you that the cloud thing was just luck. Luck and apophenia.
    The signal must have faded just before the part where “God” told you to start tithing to me, but trust me, he said it. Really. Would a god lie to you?

  5. John S. Wilkins John S. Wilkins

    Come on PZ. I can tell the difference between a revelation from God and a televangelist. I knew that bit was you…

  6. jeff jeff

    You lucky bastard. God never to spoke to me like that. For years I tried prayers of all types, with no discernable response. Then one day, after offering up a particularly tedious and groveling supplication, I was rewarded with two sonorous words that rang out with life-changing finality through my thick skull: “bugger off.”
    Ok, so maybe God’s busy. Or maybe he’s just an asshole. I suspect that most people in my situation, having nothing to live for anymore, would simply despair and become a lawyer or a biologist or something. But somewhere deep inside me, I still harbor a vain glimmer of hope that there might be more to life than pizza, beer, and common sense. So… I’ll become a philosopher! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  7. John, John, it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
    By ‘pricks’ I mean, of course, creationists.
    Oh, and BTW, PZ Mwahaha really did operate on you. But God was acting through him, dontcha know? In fact, I have it on good authority that the entire Myers schtick is at the prompting of a handful of cephalopod-friendly lesser angelsj.
    I’d cackle with glee at this non-falsifiable hypothesis except, of course, I’m not really free to. Ah me.

  8. John, John, it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.
    By ‘pricks’ I mean, of course, creationists.
    Oh, and BTW, PZ Mwahaha really did operate on you. But God was acting through him, dontcha know? In fact, I have it on good authority that the entire Myers schtick is at the prompting of a handful of cephalopod-friendly lesser angelsj.
    I’d cackle with glee at this non-falsifiable hypothesis except, of course, I’m not really free to. Ah me.

  9. John S. Wilkins John S. Wilkins

    You know, it’s the darnedest thing, but God’s voice sounds just like Bill Cosby. So it can’t have been PZ…

  10. John S. Wilkins John S. Wilkins

    You know, it’s the darnedest thing, but God’s voice sounds just like Bill Cosby. So it can’t have been PZ…

  11. Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

  12. Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

  13. John S. Wilkins John S. Wilkins

    Sorry, L. Zoel, but my personal revelation says that your personal revelation is the work of ignorance and cynical power politics; i.e., the devil.

  14. Christ Davis Christ Davis

    John, I think L Zoel is not quite serious in the above post. Follow the hyper-link in sig for the decidedly strange website.

  15. Marc Buhler Marc Buhler

    Isn’t the name of the group spelled “Beatles”???

  16. John John

    I guess it is hard for those of you against the war in Iraq to get over the fact that the attack was not to revenge the acts of 9-11, but for the overall fight against terrorists. And that the fact there is/was more evidence of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction than what ever the new determination to what was the cause of the mass extinction. When scientist claim to know more about what happened here on Earth millions of years ago but cannot cure cancer, it leaves someone with a huge lack of faith in what you “believe in”.

  17. John John

    I guess it is hard for those of you against the war in Iraq to get over the fact that the attack was not to revenge the acts of 9-11, but for the overall fight against terrorists. And that the fact there is/was more evidence of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction than what ever the new determination to what was the cause of the mass extinction. When scientist claim to know more about what happened here on Earth millions of years ago but cannot cure cancer, it leaves someone with a huge lack of faith in what you “believe in”.

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